Give Up! Get Up!

At 5:00 AM I knew it was pointless.  Although still tired (am I always tired ?), there was no point staying in bed thinking that I could get back to sleep for an hour. That blessed last hour of sleep, snuggled up in my flannel sheets, savoring the luxury of one last hour. Not today, my dear. Because I'd already been awake for an hour, I knew it was hopeless. Tonite was a Haunted Night.

There haven't been many Haunted Nights this year, and I've been sleeping well until recently, a blessing it seems as most mornings I share an elevator with some poor soul who apparently never sleeps.   I drop off immediately, propped up on pillows, bedside lamp on, some unfinished magazine or book on my lap, with an inch or two of milk still in my glass.  Getting to sleep is rarely a problem.  Staying asleep can be.

How I dread waking up at 3:00 or 4:00 AM, at a time when all problems are magnified and the smallest issues become unmanageable.   I try not to think about anything, absolutely nothing at all, in hopes of getting back to sleep.  Sometimes it works, but at other times a stray thought slips in, and the night is lost.  Again.  Sitting at the computer, coffee in hand, seems to be the best therapy, but now even that is an issue.

One more week to wear the splint.  Will my hand be healed?  Have I been careful enough, or have yard work, housework, dog training, aquarium water changes, carrying groceries, raw food, and laundry baskets put strain on that stupid little bone and kept it from healing properly?  When I took off the splint so I could use my right hand on the computer keyboard was I careful enough with my hand? Surely, if I can take off the splint when I shower, it is OK to take it off occasionally when I just can't BEAR typing with one hand/one finger. Is it?   And what about all the extra strain on my left hand, elbow and shoulder?  Is this what Carpal Tunnel Syndrome feels like?  Is the Bursitis coming back in my elbow?  Will the Impingement Tendinitis reappear in my shoulder?   I've managed these things for years, but now they CONCERN me.

And poor Coral - how much longer does she have?  Are the pain pills helping her? Are the mammary tumors cancerous and have they spread to other organs?  Does her life still have quality and is she really as content as she appears to be laying beside Ron on the sofa in the evening?  Will we know when it is time to say "Good Bye"?  I think I'm prepared, but will Ron ever be?  14 1/2 is a good live for a dog, but it never seems to be enough.  And what of Jess & Don's beloved Simmie?  She's very old for a GSD, but that will not make it easier.  Please, don't let them pass at the same time, and please, not over Christmas.  Time out to wipe my tears and hug Coral.

And what will Ron's MRI show?  He's so secretive about health issues.   I finally asked him if he had PAD, Peripheral Artery Disease.  He confirmed it, and the test results will show how seriously affected he is.  Will he require surgery?  Is he a suitable surgical risk?  Or will he just take MORE pills? And how will he manage recovery if he does have surgery?  In his condo which he only "visits" once a week?  Surely not here with my steep stairs and only one bathroom - upstairs.  And hopefully not while Coral is hanging on.  It's only because he is home that we can still manage her.

And what of Mom?  How much longer can she live alone?  Have I been neglecting her?  Do I need to visit more often?  What if she falls?  Is she eating right?  Should we be pushing for assisted living?  How will we know when we should?  Should I let her take Metro Mobility to her Doctor's appointment or should I take her?  Is she too frail to do these things on her own, or should we continue to encourage her to be independent?

Thank you Jess for giving me no current worries, at least no more than mothers always have. I think worrying must be part of the Job Description for Mother!  But is my sister still working three jobs?  Does she have health insurance?  Did she get her cholesterol checked?  Has she finally stopped smoking?  Are my nephews OK?  And my brother-in-law?  I need to call my sister and check on everyone.  And my brother? Are he and his wife OK?  I wish he'd call me!  And how is Laurie doing?  And Meg?  Are they really OK?

Can I hold out for two more years before retiring?  Will I be ready to retire then?  Will I be able to afford to retire then?  Will I be able to keep up my house payments?  Will I be able to sell the house?  But where will I live instead?  Will the drought end soon?  Will the new trees at the Dog Park survive?  Will Mai Village be able to avoid foreclosure?  Will my car continue to run OK? Will I be able to afford a new one?  So much to worry about.  But behind it all looms The Deposition, the one I will have to drive to Illinois for next month. The one related to the motorcyclist who sued ME when he ran into MY car while I was making a left turn.  How many years ago did that happen?  Will it ever end?  After the Deposition will I think about it more, or less?  I know this is why I can't sleep.  That wakes me up, and then all the other concerns flood in too.  I need THAT to be over with.  Too many things going on right now.

More coffee. Time to send the dogs out.  Hug each one, play with Fern.  Take pleasure in the moment and get on with my day.  It's raining, hooray!